Lie

I could tell you anything I wanted to about myself and you'd probably believe it. Shoot, I may even believe it too. I could lie to you, and deceive you, but what would be the point in that? Maybe we are all trying to hide the truth. They say the truth is easier than a lie, but how can that be so when the truth often times hurts so much more? It's weird; the way things change us, the way they shape us. We spend so much time focusing on things we think are important and one day we forget about them all together. I wake up and I smile, I look in the mirror and I like what I see. I'm confident and I'm proud. I don't hide my feelings because there's nothing to hide. I make friends easily and I'd die to be the center of attention. See, there I go lying again. What was I thinking. That was easy. You see, the truth is that I'm actually the exact opposite. And that's okay, yes, because everyone is different, but why do I feel like it's so wrong? Why do I feel like I need to hide who I really am. Why is it so bad that I want to be left alone, stay quiet, and not be bothered by a single soul. I have been missing this. I have been missing intelligence. That's hard to come by. I feel wrong for being the way I am. The older I get, the more days that pass by, I sit here and I feel this emotion I've never quite felt before. A sense of calmness and anxiety all the same. I look over my shoulder and I feel as though I am wrong. Am I different? What is it? Because I feel wrong. Maybe it's those around me that are making me feel that way. But that's another story in itself. There are things I just could never admit to anyone else. I'm not ashamed of what I have done, but for some reason I feel ashamed of who I am. How can that be? How can I feel such self pity. I look over my shoulder and I feel alone. I feel empty inside. and yes, I don't mind it, but what I do mind is someone else making me feel wrong for feeling that way. Maybe if I wanted to feel something, I would, but now I am obligated to make someone else happy when all I want to do is be left alone. Part of me hates me for that. Just another reason to add to the many lists of why I should just hate myself. Because I feel wrong for letting someone else down. Seems normal. But now I'm just caught in a bunch of sentences that are running together. I can't even say my heart is broken anymore because I have no heart. I'm cold inside. I'm cold. And I don't want to love anyone, ever, again. I may end up ruining the best things I will ever have. And I know it'll happen. All because I was too selfish and didn't want to try to love. That's the problem though. I can't.... I'm cold. And I don't think that is something you can change.