Possum

Last night, I opened my front door only to find a possum on my porch. Instead of playing dead, he ran away. So I wondered, when life hands me a problem I have two choices: I can either play dead, or I can run.

Lie

I could tell you anything I wanted to about myself and you'd probably believe it. Shoot, I may even believe it too. I could lie to you, and deceive you, but what would be the point in that? Maybe we are all trying to hide the truth. They say the truth is easier than a lie, but how can that be so when the truth often times hurts so much more? It's weird; the way things change us, the way they shape us. We spend so much time focusing on things we think are important and one day we forget about them all together. I wake up and I smile, I look in the mirror and I like what I see. I'm confident and I'm proud. I don't hide my feelings because there's nothing to hide. I make friends easily and I'd die to be the center of attention. See, there I go lying again. What was I thinking. That was easy. You see, the truth is that I'm actually the exact opposite. And that's okay, yes, because everyone is different, but why do I feel like it's so wrong? Why do I feel like I need to hide who I really am. Why is it so bad that I want to be left alone, stay quiet, and not be bothered by a single soul. I have been missing this. I have been missing intelligence. That's hard to come by. I feel wrong for being the way I am. The older I get, the more days that pass by, I sit here and I feel this emotion I've never quite felt before. A sense of calmness and anxiety all the same. I look over my shoulder and I feel as though I am wrong. Am I different? What is it? Because I feel wrong. Maybe it's those around me that are making me feel that way. But that's another story in itself. There are things I just could never admit to anyone else. I'm not ashamed of what I have done, but for some reason I feel ashamed of who I am. How can that be? How can I feel such self pity. I look over my shoulder and I feel alone. I feel empty inside. and yes, I don't mind it, but what I do mind is someone else making me feel wrong for feeling that way. Maybe if I wanted to feel something, I would, but now I am obligated to make someone else happy when all I want to do is be left alone. Part of me hates me for that. Just another reason to add to the many lists of why I should just hate myself. Because I feel wrong for letting someone else down. Seems normal. But now I'm just caught in a bunch of sentences that are running together. I can't even say my heart is broken anymore because I have no heart. I'm cold inside. I'm cold. And I don't want to love anyone, ever, again. I may end up ruining the best things I will ever have. And I know it'll happen. All because I was too selfish and didn't want to try to love. That's the problem though. I can't.... I'm cold. And I don't think that is something you can change.

Four Years, Eternity

In two months, I will have had this blog for four years now. But I have been writing for as long as I can remember. I'm not really sure what it is. Maybe it's the way my fingers flow so easily across these letters, or maybe it's how fluid my words pour from my mind onto this digital paper. I'm not sure. What I do know is that no matter what I feel, this diary of sorts is the only portal I have found that makes living so much easier. Once I open the door to the unknown, everything becomes familiar. I open up doors to emotions I've once closed, to people I've long forgotten, and to memories I swore I'd never visit again. There are times where I could write for hours it seems like, and times when I have nothing to say and all I do is find myself staring at something that I can't even create. I've always known how powerful words are, and maybe that's why I'm so careful with mine. Knowledge is wisdom, sure, but how you use your words is going to be what separates you from the rest. Stay wise my friends, and never regret something you said, or didn't.

Days

This journey has been one I never thought I would take. The ups and the downs have taken me on the ride of my life, and I'm no where near the end. I look around, and I wonder what demons others are battling. I sit here and I watch them as they paint a smile on their face and illustrate words of fiction to make me believe they are 'ok'. But that can't be. Because even I struggle everyday to push aside even the smallest of stresses. That's the only way I've made it thus far; taking it one second at a time. I can't fall behind, and I can't get ahead of myself.

I'm not the same

One thing I know to be true. The person I used to be then, isn't the person I am today. You never really notice the change as it's happening, but one day you look back and realize how different things used to be.

I know a girl

I know a girl. And she is as strong as any river current or ocean tide. Life often handed her darkness, but I never once seen her cry. No one ever knew she was weak. I know a girl. And she was so thankful for all that she had. Every day she awoke, she was grateful. She breathed in her life like the scent of a sweet perfume and examined every shade of color with wide eyes. I know a girl. And she is amused by her own smile.

The most honest thing I've ever read

To find yourself, you must first lose yourself.